Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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