never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
her facebook's as public as her vagina
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
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