Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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