I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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