The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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