Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
