The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
