well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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