I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
