Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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