My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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