Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
