Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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