i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
