I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
