I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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