Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
