I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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