I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
