Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
