"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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