I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
