We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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