i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
