i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
