Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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