you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
