I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Randomize
