My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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