I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
