There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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