bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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