I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
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