Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
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no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
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I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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