She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
