Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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