just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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