i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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