foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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