Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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