The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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