my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
