she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
