I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
