You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
