I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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