how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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