im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
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i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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