I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
