im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
