I just pynch a tree in the face
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
