I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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