so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
