when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Just invented taco cereal.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
