I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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