I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
