I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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