I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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