I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Randomize
