Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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